Questo è il San Valentino della V H 2005/06.Ovviamente per comprenderlo bene bisognerebbe sapere gli episodi ai quali mi riferisco.Nell’originale il mio San Valentino e quello dei ragazzi erano separati,mentre in questo intervento sono uniti
Saint Valentine’s Day, 2006, A VALENTINE FOR YOU. GUESS WHO?
EVEN IF ……… .
ALESSANDRA made a fool of me when she wrote in a class-work that she would have married me and soon after she got engaged
RISPOSTA: I’m engaged, it’ s true, but you are married! Can we be lovers?
AMALIA pretends to be shy and hardly ever talks;(when she does, she makes sure no one can hear her)
RISPOSTA: My not speaking makes the sound of my voice an exceptional event.
ANGELO tries an imitation of me; (I don’t know whether he is my good or my poor copy)
RISPOSTA: No, teacher, I’m not your poor copy, but you are mine! !
CARMINE is a nice asswipe who pretends to be interested (actually he likes having a great time)
RISPOSTA: I’m not an asswipe, because I save the ass to the others, but never to me!
CAROLINA is late in the morning when lessons start with English and makes me long for her oral test
RISPOSTA: For my oral test see you at the final exam… let’s hope!
DORIANA is always afraid of being questioned at the teacher’s desk (her desk “Peppe” is jealous???)(il banco era pieno di "Peppe,ti amo)
RISPOSTA: Look better, there isn’t just Peppe, but much more!
FABIANA too often cries for boys and forgets she has got the right stuff to make them pray and cry
RISPOSTA: You believe that I cry for boys, but truly I cry just for one man that doesn’t give
me it… the9 in English ! ! ! !
FRANCESCA likes to waste her time in the school-corridors following Gigia in her everlasting search
RISPOSTA: You said that I’m always in the school corridor… but it’s just because I hope to take from you a cigarette
FRANCESCO thinks that he can catch more without the glasses (but he may run the risk of not seeing the shapes well; anyhow he is allowed not to read the English passages during lessons)Non poteva leggere senza lenti,ma non le metteva mai
RISPOSTA: Don’t you see that you too without the glasses were going to catch?(una bella bionda mi inseguiva in macchina,ero senza lenti e mi ero illusoche fosse….ed invece era un’alunna) However, don’t take it bad because I always do the opposite of what others say to me…
GIGIA has cheated me since her first day of school…(For five long years I’ve been a fool at her hands)Le dovevo dare sempre il debito,ed invece…..
RISPOSTA: Now that you’re conscious that you’ve been a fool at my hands for 5 years, do you
still think that I’m all smoke and no roast?
LAURA has always been a mysterious girl (Angel or Devil? simple or cunning??)
RISPOSTA: Even if we didn’t know very well, we can meet outside the school to make deeper our…
LIVIA can’t stop doing her Daliazzata every week (I don’t Know the last one yet; a good rhyming peace of advice: a Daliazzata a day / turns boredom away)
RISPOSTA: I always watch you rolling cigarettes, because I’m so surprised by their perfection, and so I ask myself: "How many cannabis did he do when he was young?"
LUANA probably cursed me sometime in the past and in a class-work invited me to retire
RISPOSTA: You’re better than Italian Police! You take 5 long years to realize that I study your subject!
LUCA seems to be politely worried in his lamb-like look when you scold him
RISPOSTA: I don’t have a lamb-look, I’m simply a misunderstood genius!
MICHELA pretends to be too much naïf being cunning instead (Still waters, run deep)
RISPOSTA: make attention not to sink in the still waters!
MARCO has been on silence-strike to show his anger on me (but he has worked silently underground)
RISPOSTA: I don’t hate you, and I’m not on strike towards you, I’m simply too lazy to write something for you!
MIRKO hasn’t understood yet that in his attitude towards girls he can’t follow Godot but Mazzini’s “thought and action”(otherwise he’ll never catch anything.)
RISPOSTA: My dear teacher, you can’t give a sense to your teacher’s life, yet? Oscar Wilde says: "The duty is similar to an horrible illness: it destroys the thought’s tissues as some illnesses destroy body’s tissues" and so, even if you say that you made "I coglioni alla pizzaiola", try to find a sense to every day and don’t make teaching a duty, but an amusing!
RAFFAELE, Angelo’s shoulder in the imitation show, has never let me taste the “Olivares dei vini”(Who quoted it?) he boasts to have got(“when you are engaged don’t waste wine!”-Horatio)
RISPOSTA: Every wish of yours is my command: you have had the wine! That’s true, it was just a bottle, but I think that your wife will ask me more…(l’abbiamo bevuto in classe e non l’ho fatto assaggiare a mia moglie per paura che … mi potesse chiedere "more"
RAFFAELLA acts the dead pussy cat during the English class and the panther outside(her friends say)
RISPOSTA: If you want to see me as a panther, give me a good vote at the exam! You won’t repent of it!
ROCCO tries to hide is true-self behind an apparently couldn’t-care-less attitude
RISPOSTA: I don’t hide anything, I also love Auden, you know! Perhaps you’re wrong, and
I’ll forgive you if you roll up a cigarette for me! Thank you!
SALVATORE, out of envy, defames me saying that Fab is my favourite
RISPOSTA: At first you said that I’m a "sfigato", now that I’m jealous of Fabiana… this because I’m nice for you!!!
STEFANO has been a martyr to singular and plural since the beginning
RISPOSTA: At first you thought I was a gangster, now you realize that I’m a martyr (singular and plural)!
TERESA was too much hotter five years ago, when she didn’t have to, and too calm now she can
RISPOSTA: If 1 had understood that under that Frankestein look there’s a Winnie the Pooh
one, I wouldn’t fear of you for 5 years!
VALENTINACAP looks forward to catching the bus that has become her Reign
RISPOSTA: Do you want that my Reign changes from Montoro to Ospedaletto?
VALENTINAFER hasn’t studied English hard in the past, and doesn’t often feel well(??????)
RISPOSTA: There are two solutions for my stomach ache: or to give me an Aspirina, or not to question me anymore!!!
VALENTINAPAC has turned in the years from a good student into a lazy one (the power of Love?)
RISPOSTA: Do you remember the 10th of February? A beautiful blonde girl
wanted to catch you on her car, but you didn’t stop! So, I realize that the only way to catch
your attention is becoming better in my English!
EVEN IF …..and notwithstanding ………….I LOVE YOU
Will you please receive my best wishes for your Valentine‘s Day and my sincere invitation to ……….OFF YOU ALL!!!! TRULY yours
Questo è invece quello della IV Q dello stesso anno scolastico
A VALENTINE FOR YOU: GUESS WHO?
EVEN IF …………
ALESSIA is one of the cleverest pupils but when she was 16 (last year) she didn’t know yet how to distinguish a milch-cow from a bull and she was surprised when someone (guess who?) taught her
ANGELACAP is too much shy and polite, too perfect as a student, too worried about school life and she fails to follow the dreadful strength of her last name
ANGELANAP is very clever in turning an easy grammar rule complex because she is either too much worried or too much absent-minded or simply because she can’t concentrate being still in the second list (according to her mates they who have had no ….experiences)
ANNA (Who?) goes often truant (let’s hope with a nice boy) and isn’t interested too much in school matters (she is intelligent and she has understood everything of the new school system)
ANTONIETTA doesn’t often understand (or pretends not to) allusions (but she is in the first list:they who have already got……some experience)
CARMEN often cries for a test went bad but she has to cry about her decision to become a spinster( a suggestion: stay in the second list as far as you are not ready to move to the first but think you have to move a day)
DOMENICOCIL is unfair (scorretto) and indiscreet with the girls he dates out because he tells everybody what he
did (?). Actually he never did anything but in the mental wanderings …. of his sleepless torn nights
DOMENICOSPE is a nice intelligent asswipe (always repented when you scold him) who promises to do something and then disappears
ELENA is still afraid of the English oral tests and she doesn’t need to unless she hasn’t studied
(Remember! Your ET never eats pupils ‘cause they are heavy food)
EVA is one who has got a good position in the first list of her schoolmates but she pretends to be like the chaste/cunning Pamela Andrews and I don’t know whether to be a “Pamelist” or an “Anti-Pamelist”
GIUSEPPE says he is like a bee that flies from a flower to another (I have heavy doubts about it because he is a friend of Ciletti’s and the Italians say that “he who goes with Ciletti does what Ciletti does.” What a nice couple !
IOLE puts my vanity of being a valid teacher in a critical position because when I explain her a mistake she has got a look ….a look….(sorry, I can’t find the right term)..Well, let’s say a lamb-like look that I feel at fault
MARIA is a “still water” that “runs quickly”. Unfortunately, she has been “sgamata” by the terrible scoolmate detectives
MARIA CHIARA never joins her schoolmates, never goes to a school-trip (maybe her sweetheart is worried about possible temptations but he is wrong because her schoolmates are not dangerous in that field, only talkative)
MARIAGRAZIA always talks in a low voice and makes me feel dumb (actually I am). Can she hear herself?
PIERA was sometime in the past unsatisfied of her evaluation in the subject and perhaps cursed me (Ciletti told me that)
RUGGERO acts as the good chap but he works underground casting the stone and moving the hand away. His typical question is “who has stolen the Jam?”
YOU ALL are crazy with your beloved Professor Picone (the only one you’ve got in your calendar), don’t forget the coffee for Kay, love Miss Brosca (me too!), often push the Holy Saint Prof. Ferrara (who loves you “alles”) to blow his top, have taken the Mickey out of me giving me the best evaluation in your end-of-term report of your teachers (terrified of my sure vengeance if you hadn’t done it???), tease your teachers and try to cheat them, and….. and … and again …and still again…even …Off … (Thanks! Returned to you)…
EVEN IF…………… EVEN IF………….. EVEN IF …………………….
I LOVE YOU
Questa,invece,è una risposta ad un articolo degli alunni apparso su un giornalino scolastico "Porno";nell’articolo si presentava l’aula come cella,gli alunni come detenuti oppressi e gli insegnanti come inflessibili carcerieri.
L’ARTICOLO DEGLI ALUNNI
S.O.S DAL CARCERE
Arrivato al carcere di Via Scandone Nella cella n. 3, padiglione H i detenuti stanno godendo gli ultimi minuti di libertà.
E’ cominciata una nuova difficile giornata. Prima dell’avvento dei carcerieri ecco gli ultimi preparativi. Apri i libri. Apri la mente e buttaci dentro tutto quello che puoi! Ma all’improvviso sull’uscio della porta il carceriere di turno con il libro di proscrizione in mano. Nella mente dei carcerati si alza un grido: “Speriamo che non ci sia io!”Ma ecco si è seduto davanti ai pagliericci dei carcerati già addormentati. Ecco il primo nome. Le preghiere di tutti, tranne uno, sono state esaudite.
I primi passi del condannato sono lenti, cadenzati, pensando al suo atroce destino. Adesso lo scontro! Prima domanda. La mente si svuota. Tutto sembra scomparire e una domanda sorge nell’animo: “I lavori forzati a cui sono stato costretto ieri dove sono finiti?”
Il carcere cambia metodo di tortura. Seconda domanda. La scena ancora si ripete. Ancora, ancora e ancora…Il barbaro carceriere cancella il nome dalla lista. É Finita! Le vittime si susseguono in un clima d’ansia che avvolge le celle e dura cinque lunghe ore.
(Classe III H) anno scolastico 2003/04 mese di marzo
LA RISPOSTA DEL PROF.
QUESTO NON E’ PIU’ UN CARCERE (sigh…)!
Arrivato al “Carcere di Via Scandone”, terza cella del padiglione H, il carceriere è molto perplesso. Incuranti del suo arrivo, i detenuti continuano ad usufruire dell’ora d’aria: scherzano, ridono, giocano, mangiano le patatine comprate al bar del carcere; qualche detenuta si trucca, qualche altra si adora allo specchio e qualche altra ancora si assicura che il jeans stia un po’ al di sotto dei fianchi o il top stia nella posizione giusta per esibire i “salcicciotti”, evidenziare le “sforme” o far ammirare il tatuaggio in una parte intrigante del corpo.
Il carceriere non può fare a meno di pensare alla sua miserevole condizione che lo vede più detenuto dei detenuti e, AHILUI, senza diritti accessori.
Sta per iniziare un’altra difficile ora di non-lezione! Prima di entrare nella cella comune, si era preparato mentalmente e aveva deciso di non far caso alla consueta mancanza di rispetto: nessun detenuto si sarebbe alzato in piedi a salutarlo.
“Seduti!(lo diceva per abitudine ripensando ai vecchi bei tempi) Aprite i libri”-“ Non li abbiamo”- “Aprite la mente”-“Abbiamo dimenticato il microchip a casa”. Che fare? Rimanere o inventarsi una scusa per uscire ? interrogare o spiegare?
Apre il registro, scorre la lista delle povere creature in attesa di giudizio, ci ripensa, lo chiude. Meglio non verificare. Anche lui ha dimenticato a casa i vari amuleti anti-iella; nei pressi solo plastica e niente ferro, gli rimarrebbero solo …………, ma essendo un po’ anziano ha seri dubbi sulla loro efficacia. La maledizione degli “innocenti”(tutti i detenuti si considerano innocenti) potrebbe “ drag to hell / a spirit from high” (Coleridge: The Rime of the Ancient Mariner) e nella cella n. 3, padiglione H, le detenute sono famose per l’efficacia delle loro maledizioni. No, meglio non rischiare. Non ci credo, ma mi adeguo. Non si sa mai.
Un anonimo carceriere nostalgico